Over numerous cups of coffee

Well have had the following revelations about relationships over numerous cups of bad office coffee, some good barista coffee and well just coffee, because I am not the lets talk stuff over drinks person :-) Thought it might be interesting to share this debunking of myths with people out here :-) Its probably just a continuation to being in twenties post earlier but exclusively with respect to relationships.

The space myth : Oh we have all heard that we should give our partner space. Girls are told more often than boys that they should give their guys space. Yes it is necessary to give space. But what I have seen many people I know do is take getting space to mean being able to whatever they like without any consideration of what their partner wants or feels like. So if the partner says that such and such habit of theirs is not to their liking people accuse their partners of not giving them space. Space does not mean that you encroach on the self respects and rights of you partner. You do what you like within the limits of your partner's personal space too. You give some you take some.

The commitment myth : 'But I didn't think of another guy/girl while I was with them, doesn't that show I am committed?' No it doesn't. Did you discuss the future of your relationship with them and if yes did you ensure that you included them in your vision of your future? Are you still jittery about introducing them to all your friends or keep crying for time to introduce them to family? Does your family atleast know that such aperson exists in your life even if they think its a friend? Commitment is not just marriage or being monogamous. It means that you commit to share your lives and in that case you include your partner in all aspects of your life. You can't say you are committed if a part of your life doesn't even know about the existence of your partner. Then you are devaluing your partner's importance in your life and it would also seem to them that you are not sure of the relationship and that is why you have an escape route ready by not acknowledging their existence. Don't be surprised if they out of the blue dump you. They probably tried to talk but you might have given them the I need space and time talk everytime they asked. And one can ask only so many times. Also a person I spoke to told me that they could of course not be there for the other person always coz guys have other things too apart from their love life. So what is your love life, a time pass diversion to you? And if other things are so important why don't you live with with just them other things? Why get into a relationship?

The relationships shouldn't be hard work myth : Well here is the truth. Life is difficult, so nothing in it can be easy. It seems that people take it literally when they read all those relationship self help books. If you believe them nothing in life should be hard. It should all be blissful and perfect. Well kiddo doesn't work so. You have to actively work at maintaining a relationship. If at the first conflict you abandon it saying it has to be easy then maybe you have commitment issues. Also people have the absurd expectation (probably comes from the media of which I am a guilty party) that partners have to absolutely understand them almost to the point of telepathy. And not just that partners should think exactly like them in everything. Again completely wrong. You are two different individuals and so you will think differently. You will not agree on everything, sometimes you may have to give up something, sometimes they might. Never expect the other person to do it always. Don't give them the you should love me as I am speech. Relationships mean that there will be some changes you have to make. It should not change who you are but you can't say that you won't budge an inch. If you were so happy doing only what you want without considering anyone else then you better remain single.

Water thicker than blood?

Mumbai has been reeling under 15% water cuts that were imposed at the end of monsoons. For a long time residents had been complaining about how they couldnt get water at the top floors of their apartments or how the pressure was low. Its an open secret that there exists a powerful water mafia that has links to most political parties in the city. But ironically it is these same guys who come up with protests to show their 'concern' for the common man's problems.

First the BMC's ruling Shiv Sena took up the issue, trying to distance itself from the bureaucracy and claiming that they did not support the administration's idea of increasing the water cut to 30% and the resolution was rejected. (The lake levels at the end of monsoons showed a deficiency of 25% which the administration cited as the reason for imposing further cuts). Then in classic Sena style activists went and ransacked the office of the hydraulic engineer. The BMC was renovated just a couple of years back at an enormous cost but public property is everyone's property anyway. The Sena just fresh from an assembly defeat had to do something radical to assert their existence in their only remaining bastion in Mumbai.

But if there is a ruling party action there has to be an opposite and probably more spectacular action from the opposition. So Congress leader Nitesh Rane organised a massive protest march at the BMC under the umbrella of his NGO Swabhiman. Around 1000 people gathered outside the BMC premises carrying buckets and shouting slogans. The police had already somewhat anticipated the extent of the protest and had put up barricades near the BMC. But the unruly crowd broke through some 2-3 barricades in the city. The crowd was very agitated about the fact that while they got less water the high rises and commercial establishments got more water. There were people who told us that they received water only once in two days and that too only for half an hour. There were allegations of tampering, pilferage and unattended leakages.

While the issue was genuine, if you were at the location covering the protest, you would only see a bunch of drunk men who were shouting at the top of their voices and very few with a genuine concern for the issue. Many of us female journalists had to keep away because we were getting molested by the crowd. The crowd kept pushing against the final barricade and gave the 50-60 odd policemen standing there a hard time. After about two hours of the ruckus, the police finally resorted to lathi charge. The scene changed completely. Suddenly people were seen running for their lives.

Later we were told that one person died after the lathi charge. The minute the news spilled out, I saw many channels condemning the police action. Is there no value for a life? Demand for water gets blood and many other headlines. Yes, there is a value for every life. But what do you expect the police to do after trying to control a mad mob for around 2 hours peacefully? Had the police not lathicharged these people they would have got into the BMC office and then we would have seen the headlines crying is there no law and order in this country. While no death is justified, there is no method in a mob and sometimes striking back is the only option the police have.

And its not just protest marches, the mob mentality is visible every time there is a festival. You see the same crowd of drunk men shouting recklessly and trying to molest women be it Ganpati or Shab-e-barat. And if its a festival there is an even better justification for breaking the law - religion.

So what is an ill equipped police force supposed to do when a crowd that believes itself invincible threatens the peace of the city? Just sit and worry about political retaliation and villification by certain section of the media or protecting public property? The devil or the deep sea?

The storm after the lull

Piece originally published on our company website www.ibnlive.com/mumbaimemories/

November 2008 was a dull month as far as news was concerned. The week starting 24th seemed especially so. I was down with a bleeding infection in my leg, so finally on the 26th I decided to take the day off. It was such a lean day that another colleague also took an off and it didn't seem to matter.

I was sleeping under the influence of medicines when a source alerted about some firing in Colaba. Oh another mafia thing this must be, I thought as I forwarded the information to office and went back to sleep.

A few minutes later another source frantically called about some blast near Mazgaon. His voice was cracking with fear. As I scrambled to get more details, I felt a fear that this was going to be something ominous. Being from a small city, till now blasts and other mishaps were things I had only seen on TV. But suddenly it seemed that I was going to be out in the middle of something like that.

I feared that this could be more ominous. I called up office, though I didn't know what assistance I could provide as I was barely able to walk. I was asked to report the next day at the crack of dawn. A feeling of desperation that I couldn't get to work because of an ailment and also some fear as to what exactly was going on, kept me awake most of the night.

There had been firing all over. Two blasts. But it wasn't until the hotels were under attack that it was clear that this was something really big.

It was the storm after the lull.

The first thing I remember about the morning of the 27th was waking up to the news of Hemant Karkare's death. It was 4 in the morning and it seemed unreal. Just a few days ago while following another story I had joked about how Karkare seemed to be cagey now and didn't answer phone calls. And he was at that time the most talked-about officer. I rushed to office and my first assignment was to gauge the mood on the streets. Were people scared or were they going about their daily business?

Mumbai seemed virtually deserted that day. Never were the major roads so empty. And I remember being the only person from Churchgate to Mahalaxmi in the ladies compartment. It was eerily empty.

For the first time, the famed resilience seemed to have crumbled. People were not just scared but completely confused about what was happening. TV sets were blaring everywhere and people glued to them like they are glued when there is an Indo-Pak match.

The same night I was sent to Nariman House. South Mumbai residential areas are generally deserted on normal nights, but this day it was scary. As I tried to locate Nariman House several locals asked me to take detours through various lanes as the bullets were flying about. The area where Nariman House is, is a maze of narrow lanes and only someone who knows the area well could have found that place out. Even residents nearby didn't know that it was an Israeli centre. Finally I took position right across the house, near a bank whose windows had been shattered in the firing. We were very close and every time I turned to the camera, I would get this irrational fear 'What if a bullet finds its way close to us?' after all we had our camera lights on. But people of the area seemed to be unmindful of such fears.

At any point in the night there were around 100-200 people who were standing close to the spot, curious onlookers that the police had to fight off. There were atleast 50 of us media professionals too, from various countries scrambling for details, ducking bullets and ricochets and dodging off overly curious people. But there were also the locals who were coming at frequent intervals with tea and biscuits for the forces and media professionals.

Suddenly in the morning the police seemed to be acting strictly against anyone coming close to Nariman House. Barricades were being put up and drunk onlookers were being lathi-charged to clear them off the way. We wondered if some senior official or politician was coming to visit.

And then there was a whirring sound. After a night of scattered firing, the forces had decided on a final assault. A chopper started hovering over the building and there was deafening cross fire. We were going live with most of it though we were cautious about keeping the camera frame tight and moving constantly so that the exact location of the cops on ground would not be revealed. We tried not to give out numbers or directions. The onlookers cheered.

Standing there and witnessing the assault, one couldn't help but feel proud of our men in uniform. It was the most dramatic visual of the entire tragedy.

Yes the media was criticised a lot for airing it too. But I still don't have the answer to whether it should have been shown or not. TV is mostly about the here and now so one could say it could be shown, but there were other decisions, too, that could not be made in the 20-odd minutes while the helicopter air-dropped commandos. Those 20 minutes will stay with me forever, they were the first signs of hope that Mumbai though scarred, will overcome this too.

It took another day for all the operations to end and the hostages to be liberated. And it has taken us forever to try and forget the horror of what we saw then. But life moves on in Mumbai even as court trials and diplomacy take their own time to come to conclusions. A fragile fast-paced life, with no guarantees of what awaits you in the next moment - a lesson 26/11 taught me.

Frandship

In my online life of around 4 years, I have had many friendship and even more frandship requests. Here is a list of some of the names of the frands whom I thought I would do without. Enjoy and add your own :

1. lover_4_u
2. sexyloverwaitingforu
3. cool_(name or surname of person)
4. nightking
5. ruler of hearts
6. princeofdreams
7. handsome_boy
8. Love is life
9. raju reporter (guess he saw guide too many times)
10. loveme
11. Loveguru (yeah yeah)
12. dreams of u
13. awesome_abhi
14. hotvicky4_u
15. coolsameer_luv

And many more that more or less talk about how 'love'ly it would be to have them as your friends. Most of these are also accompanied by lines like 'I love your eyes', 'u hv prety smile' (spell check doesnt work for them), 'beutiful girl' and also once 'I want to be media man' (didnt know till then that networking meant this). So Sandy Balan and me got discussing about these names and we came up with some names for fellow Writer's Lounge members and friends if they ever went over the top and wanted to show off their awesomeness. Hope no one takes offence, this is just for fun. The first target of course is you all know who :-P

1. sensational_ste
2. hotste_rulerofhearts
3. MBA_romeo
4. freelance_boyfriend
5. dashingleo
6. P.S._Iluvu
7. lippy_cilla (personally I prefer the other suggestion sundar_cilla :-D)
8. Rapchik_Jawaani_RJ
9. giveme_more
10. dontstep(man)onmyheart
11. Tanman_4u
12. solitaryluvboy

Any other suggestions and additions please please add in comments section...also add in the weird ones you have got till now :-D

सपना

कतरा कतरा तिनका तिनका जोड़ के एक सपना सा बुना था
तेरी आंखों में कहीं उसको छुपाया था
सोचा था पलकें तुम मूंदे ही रहोगे
ख्वाबों को कभी बिखरने न दोगे
पर भूले थे हम कि रात तो बीत जाती है
और पलकें भी खुल ही जाती हैं
पर ख्वाबों की रातें अभी और भी हैं
और न सही तो
हकीकत को ही हम
ख्वाबों सा बना लेंगे ।

Man ka radio

After a long time yesterday I switched on Vividh Bharati and was pleasantly surprised to hear that they were playing only requests received on Wednesday and Thursday evenings. A far cry from the snail mail system that I remember. A few minutes later I heard another message asking defence personnel to send in their song requests by SMS for the popular Jaymala programme and I thought wow they sure have caught up with the times.

The mention of Jaymala brought a lot of memories. 90's was when I started listening to the radio religiously and back then Vividh Bharati was the most popular service in my city. FM channels hadnt yet launched. As I had an afternoon shift in school, my typical day used to start with Chitralok at 8:15 in the morning. It was a programme completely dedicated to latest songs and film promos. Satellite television was just catching up, so most of the film promotions were still done on Radio. The programme used to go on till 10 am and that was the time I used to get ready and prepare myself for the day after some last minute homework, done listening to some of the loser songs mentioned here. On holidays I used to even listen to Manchahe Geet in the afternoons. Evenings after school at around 6:30 there would be regional presentations and then come 7:10 pm and it would be time for Jaymala, the special programme for requests of defence personnel. The programme also had a weekly celebrity episode where many singers, actors and other Bollywood personalities would come to present their favourite songs and some message for the Fauji bhai. The signature tune of this programme, something like a tune from a military band, is something I will never forget. 8 o'clock was the time for Hawamahal, the daily programme that had radio adaptations of plays and short stories. Though I wouldn't listen to it regularly, I remember liking most of what I had heard. 8:30 was new songs again and then by around 10 there would be Chaayageet. This had some of the most melodious numbers. On weekends programmes like Pitaara would have nuggets of repeats of popular programmes. There were many more programmes that I used to follow then, but do not remember the names of anymore. My parents used to reminisce about Binaca Geet mala which I have never heard unfortunately. They even recall listening to the audio of hit Hindi films that used to be broadcast on weekends, entire movies would be broadcast.

Song requests programmes like Hello Farmaish were the most popular shows as they were very interactive. There were also shows where you could mail in your requests and who can forget the ever present listeners from 'Jhumri talaiya' who would always request some song or the other. I remember my father doubting the existence of 'Jhumri talaiya'; he used to say that AIR probably cooked up this place to show more listener demands hehehe.

I attribute all my knowledge of hindi film music to the Vividh Bharati service. My knowledge of songs from those of Hemant Kumar to Sonu Nigam and Geeta Dutt to Alka Yagnik all come from listening to AIR regularly. And if I manage to sing reasonably well today, that is also because I used to sing along loudly while the radio was playing. Some of the most repeated songs on radio those days were from the films Abhimaan, Aashiqui, Phir Teri Kahaani Yaad Aayi, Aandhi, Naaraaz, Naajayaz, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Saajan, Vijaypath, Shree 420 and Baazigar. My antakshari skills those days were just great and it helped that we were a generation of antakshari freaks. Like Doordarshan had its Rukawat ke liye Khed hai, AIR had this particular whooshing sound that would interrupt broadcast clarity. It was probably because of some astral object interrupting with the radio signals. At times, the broadcast would be interrupted by electricity cuts in the studios. Even these sounds are ingrained in my memory.

I also remember the transition in radio. My uncle used to have one of those huge radio sets the kind that you see in that song in Abhimaan. We had a sleeker and slightly smaller Philips radio initially. And later on we bought one of those newer sets but Philips again. Murphy was gone by the time we had started buying radios. Later on briefly we had a Chinese two in one system and more recently listening to radio was just on phone. And now I listen to it on my Dish TV service.

I have also seen the deterioration in the popularity and revenues of AIR. When I initially used to listen to Chitralok, which was a sponsored programme, it used to play new songs for around 2 hours. Gradually the number of new songs reduced and the time reduced to 1 hour and at last count (which was around 5 years ago) it was reduced to a paltry 15 minutes. Around the time the duration of new songs decreased, AIR was also getting mails constantly from people that new songs were against the culture. It was also the time when cable TV and FM channels (only allowed in the metros then) had started eating into AIR's pie. But AIR still managed to survive because of its immense reach. Today only those who love to listen to old songs without some shrill RJ ranting out PJs, switch on to AIR. But FM channels have also realised the potential of this loyal customer base and have started sober programmes featuring old songs.

The newer generations don't know much about AIR and if the organisation continues to go on with whatever policies it has, there would be a day maybe when people will no longer listen to it at all. AIR will probably exist only because the government hasnt pulled it off the bandwidth. Not the way a radio channel that entertained so many generations should end up. AIR still scores high on reach which is why it is still doing well in the mostly inaccessible regions of the country, at those places, AIR still is one of the major sources of entertainment.

Being twenty something

A friend recently sent me a forward on maturing in life…Sharing part of it…

As I mature…

I’ve learnt that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

It was a forward that touched a chord (unlike the hundreds that irritate you). If you thought only teenage is a difficult time, then wait till you get into your twenties. That is the time when all your notions of right and wrong, all your beliefs of happily ever afters and picture perfect bonds get shaken up. Suddenly you wake up to a world of new realities, which are far different from the idealistic picture education gives you of the world.

I have spent most of my twenties away from home studying and working. And having to juggle changes within and around you all on your own is something all my friends would agree has been the greatest challenge. You want to succeed at everything you do and nothing seems to happen as fast as you want it to. Some of your dreams get fulfilled, some become nightmares and some are broken irreversibly. You want to be serious and you also want to have fun with your new found freedom. You want lasting relationships and you want material success. It’s a decade when you are left wanting and trying and you look at people who have crossed that age and wonder if you will ever get to be as self assured as they seem to be right now (but like the forward says, they could be screwed up too).

It’s a time when you could start to make your own decisions and not believe that parents always know better (and sometimes they don’t). And when you do make your own decisions for the first time, chances are you might make many mistakes and as you are no longer a child there comes the responsibility that all of us non-celebrities have to take. Its probably the first time in your own life that you really, truly get out of the crowd and get to know yourself and your mettle. And you could either like yourself or hate yourself.

Well you might ask what is the point of all this. Just that as I sat back and looked at the last five years, I realised, I am no longer the dreaming school girl from Rajkot. My friends have changed, my likes and dislikes are different, my bond with my parents is different, my take on love and commitment is different (read no more Mills and Boon anymore :-P) I have done things I never thought I would do both good and bad and at the end of it all, I know I have learnt a lot. I still am not the kind of self assured that some of the people I know are, but I know I am on the way to it. And I just wanted to tell all my friends in their twenties that some day we shall all sit back and laugh at these crazy times and look at them fondly like our parents right now look at the era of 60’s and 70’s. We shall all get together someday and toast to these days that showed us how much shit we could take and yet give back our best. Happy 20’s all you guys out there. We, the freaks, shall inherit the earth J (SIMC 07 tagline).